WinterFest Golf

As we are all now well aware, Bam-Bam, I’m In Your Kitchen (Wearin Your Underwear), Bond, Gold Bond, Gentle Ben, Frank n’ Stein is The Champion of WinterFest XVIII.

What most people don’t know (or is it a Myth?), is that Bam-Bam was born Andy “Ima” Einstein, grandson of Albert Einstein, the father of the nuclear age.

Yes it’s true (or is it?) little Ima Einstein is the grandson of Albert Einstein, and as such, was expected to do great things, and advance the human race much like his grandfather had done so many years ago.

So little Ima went to the very best schools, learned from the very best mathematicians the world had to offer, working tirelessly on his studies 100 hours per week, every week of every year, for the first 25 years of his life.

Despite the hard work, Ima just was not his granddad, and while he did ok, was a “C” student at best, and was often caught in the bathroom “bonding” with his buddies (hmmmmm).

Soon Ima was visiting the Principal’s office on a regular basis, and hanging out with the wrong crowd – you guessed it – Yank Yanks.

Finally came that fateful day when after being summoned to the principal’s office one more time, little Ima was asked to leave “R U Smart University”.

Ima soon began to drink, and ask for dates (no luck here), and to play golf – and the rest is history.

And that’s where the Myth or Legend comes in….

Most believe Ima changed his name from Einstein to Stein at this pivotal point in his life to lose the unbearable weight of the Einstein name, and turned his concentration to becoming the best golfer that WinterFest has ever seen.

Myth of Legend?

Legend!!!

Ima also changed his first name to Bam-Bam and worked hard to get his WinterFest “card”, qualifying him for a shot at the greatest Championship ever – WinterFest.

Which just goes to show – You don’t need to be an Einstein to win WinterFest, you just need the right handicap card….

One of the more heart-warming legends (or is it?) of WinterFest history involves The Stork "Stu" "Bubba" Sterkel.

During WinterFest XVIII The Stork succumbed to a back ailment, having to forfeit his match to Gator Kouremetis and Team EUR.

Determined to get "back in the saddle", The Stork sought out the best medical advice — and feet — in Phoenix.  It’s reported at one point that The Stork had 4 Asian girls walking on his back to work out the "stiffness".  After the back walk, the girls put The Stork on "the rack" for additional "therapy" — with The Stork at times screaming — "Thank You Mistress Ling — May I have another?"

Well the treatments seemed to work, as The Stork was able to return to action in Round #4 of WF XVIII — and although not "at his best", The Stork proved to be inspirational to his Yank Yank team mates — not unlike "Rudy" of Notre Dame fame — or Brian Piccolo of Chicago Bear fame.

In fact, The Stork’s story was so inspiring that Hollywood decided to make a film about the courage of — The Stork.

A search was launched to find the very best actor to play the part of The Stork….  Would it Brad Pitt?  Tom Cruise??  Harrison Ford??  Woody Allen??

No — none of these fine actors were deemed to capture "the essence" of The Stork….  so who would it be?

The Legend goes that it was decided to use Joe Don Baker and reprise his character and role of "Walking Tall" fame – to pay tribute to the courage of The Stork.  So while Joe Don is a little older now (the walker was a nice touch) — and the use of a baseball bat versus a golf club seemed a bit suspect, the movie was a huge success, selling 8 copies of the CD that year….

Myth or Legend?

Myth!!!

While it is not true that "Walking Tall XII" starring Joe Don Baker was a tribute to The Stork — Hollywood did indeed make a tribute film to The Stork’s courage — and hired a big time star for the role — and you know him and it of course — Heath Ledger — starring in…………..

Broke "Back" Mountain.

Joining WinterFest for the 1st time this year, "Indy" "Jones-an" Klein brings a whole new flavor to the event

First of all Indy is a Texan and of course everything from Texas is bigger – so he’s got that goin for him…

But making WinterFest folklore history (or is this just a Myth?), Indy has brought his nanny for moral (?) support – and we hear she’s great with kids too…

The question is – is Indy the very first WF participant EVER to bring his nanny to WinterFest???

Myth or Legend?

Myth!!!!

While Indy has brought his nanny to WinterFest and she was the honorary bingo numbers at last night’s blowout bingo night bash for Team Yank Yank – and she has "been there for Indy" during these difficult handicap times , she was NOT the "first" nanny to attend WinterFest!!!

Way back in Winter Fest ought I — Snaaake "Bubbles" Lawler brought his nanny / date Mrs Doubtfire…

While a little older – word is that Mrs D was quite the Monkey Women back in the day — before electricity

The Lama is already a legend in WinterFest history – and no one argues that point or they get an automatic invite to Lama’s "Cannon — ball" event – where drinks are provided too.

But another legend – or is it a myth? – is that after winning WF XV, The Lama was so "pumped" that he decided he needed to "initiate" the Jacket as only a Euro could do – and that was to do the horizontal limbo wearing only the Champions jacket.

Despite his enthusiasm he decided to consult Woozy to make sure it was in keeping with Euro team standards.

"Go for it!", exclaimed BT! "If nothing else do it for the principle of the thing’.

And so The Lams became the 1st WinterFest Champion ever to "Just Do it" wearing The Champions Jacket…

Myth or Legend?

Legend!!!

Unfortunately The Lama misinterpreted Woozy’s instructions – becoming the 1st WinterFest Champion to "do it" with a school principal…

While proving to be incredibly expensive, The Lama did receive "extra credit", and an open invitation to "pound the books" whenever he wants to.

Scatback "The Deuce" Dembeck has often been the target of Euro harassment through the years – that is fact – not legend – but WF folklore suggests the worst harassment "Demi" ever suffered through came at the hands of his fellow Yank Yank teammates…

The story goes that Biily Bob "now not Walkin so Tall" "Stork" "Bubba" Sterkel – The Deuce’s brother-in-law suffers from a slight speech impediment and has had great difficulty pronouncing "The Deuce" – instead coming out as "The Douche"

This has been a constant source of embarrassment for "Scatback" although he does get quite a few calls for dates.

Myth or Legend?

Legend!!!

Yes its true that "Walkin Not So Tall" "Bubba" – and Madeline Kahn mispronounce "The Deuce"

The good news?  Snaaake Lawler was able to get "The Deuce’s" handicap adjusted – so that in Round 2 of WF XVIII Deuce’s official Ryder Cup name was changed to "The Uno"

And be able to play from the red tees has been pretty "nifty too" exclaims and obviously excited – and throbbing – Uno Dembeck!!!

16th – Snaaake Lawler

15th – The Stork Sterkel

14th – Amped "Mad Max" Hample

13th – Blue Tees "Woozy" Stanley

12th – Indy "Me and Dr. Jones" Klein

11th – Big Easy "Big D" Sommerfeld

10th – Sizzle "En Fuego" Byrn

9th – Demi "The Deuce" Dembeck

8th – Dance Man "The Yankinator" Charleston

7th – Gator "The G-Man" Kouremetis

6th – The Lama Shirey

5th – Bam-Bam "I’m In Your Kitchen Wearin Your Underwear" Stein

4th – Bond, James "Dean" Bond

3rd – Snuffy "Smyth" Smith

and now — the rest of the story…

3 to 1: Pope “Cisco the Kid” OTIFH (my man): No one longs for a WinterFest victory more than the Pope. The Pope prays every night, and gives his hands a work-out – every night too as it turns out. The Pope has even gone on a special diet and exercise plan in hopes of bringing home WinterFest XVIII. No more fried foods – no more beer – no more raw pork bars – no more sex – what are you kidding?? This guy is the Pope after all. We even hear the Pope has raised additional funds for the Church of “What Score is Happening Now” in hopes of buying his way into victory circle. Heck the Pope even closed down his Cisco’s bar down in Amelia Island in hopes of winning favor with the WinterFest golf gods. He even sent money to Leroy Jenkins, Jimmy Swaggart and Jim Baker just to cover all the bases. I mean the Pope wants this thing – bad – and see there is the problem. Pope’s are never supposed to want things “bad” – and that will be the Pope’s undoing, as Leroy, Jimmy and Jim will all show up on the final day of WinterFest for a “laying on of their incredibly fast hands”, to rid The Pope of his demons. Rumor has it later that night the Pope will be found slumped over at a local Phoenix cantina with two empty bottles of Tequila crying uncontrollably when he goes Net “666” on the last three holes of WF XVIII to lose…. The good news? Team EUR will finally be able to understand what he’s saying…

1 to 1: The Hitman “The Jackal” Pittman: With Team Yank Yank’s Ryder Cup XV victory at Amelia Island last year, and Obama’s victory last November, it was obviously the year of the Donkey… Well this year is the year of THE JACKAL. The Jackal is ready… He’s got the game…. He knows how to drink… He knows how to win… He knows how to do The Jackal Call… and now he has THE WINTERFEST HANDICAP!!!. If I were Team Yank Yank I’d start measuring the Jackal for Dance Man’s WinterFest XVII Champion’s Jacket right now.

Nothing can stop The Jackal — Snaaake? No Chance Bam-Bam? He’s not even in The Jackal’s garage… The Pope? He’s still drinking down at Cantina Cisco West… Indy Klein? One night with The Lama and he’ll be waking up in Juarez… Billy Bob Bubba The Stork? He can’t even come close to the flight pattern of Bird Man Littlejohn… Big Easy? Putty in The Jackal’s hands… Scatback? He’ll need to make a lot more “Deuces” than TOWM has ever seen… and bad boy Hample?? He’ll be lucky if the USGA does cart him off before the unofficial practice round Tuesday…

Hitman The Jackal Pittman – he’s our man – If he can’t do it….. Some other Euro CAN!!!

16th – Snaaake Lawler

15th – The Stork Sterkel

14th – Amped "Mad Max" Hample

13th – Blue Tees "Woozy" Stanley

12th – Indy "Me and Dr. Jones" Klein

11th – Big Easy "Big D" Sommerfeld

10th – Sizzle "En Fuego" Byrn

9th – Demi "The Deuce" Dembeck

8th – Dance Man "The Yankinator" Charleston

7th – Gator "The G-Man" Kouremetis

6th – The Lama Shirey

5th – Bam-Bam "I’m In Your Kitchen Wearin Your Underwear" Stein

and now….

8 to 1: Bond, James Bond: Perennial WinterFest favorite Bond, James Bond has been “on” his game as always, announcing late to Yank Yank Captain (?) Snaaake “Bubbles” Lawler that he would be arriving late on Wednesday, and therefore forced to miss round #1 of WF XVIII. As always James offered to “turn in his score” later that night but Snaaake was having none of it. “I’m telling you, if this guy keeps this up well have no choice to make him an honorary Yank Yank”, said an obviously impressed “Out” Lawler. “We have even ordered a special set of engraved Bingo cards for James as this would be an obvious coup for Team Yanker”, Lawler continued. Well the plan almost came together until James got wind of the plan to offer the special Yank Yank status, and refused to call the round in – instead telling Snaaake “he wanted him Saturday”, for a “special round”. While obviously striking fear into Snaaake’s heart and putting game, the damage was done and James was not able to concentrate on WinterFest – preferring instead to lay a whuppin on Team Yank Yank in Ryder Cup XVI.

5 to 1: Snuffy “Smyth” Smith: Snuffy is well rested after taking WinterFest XVII off, and ready to re-visit the glory of Team EUR’s Pinehurst victory. Snuffy has even vowed to get bad boy TOWM Hample one of those sets of beads you hang from your bag to count strokes this year. In fact the word is that all Team Euro members will be assisting Amped with counting his strokes. I even hear Team EUR has hired “The Count” from Sesame Street to come in and teach Team Yank Yank in a special “counting” refresher.

Can’t you see it now?

All those Yank Yanks gathered around the fish bake table at night with the Count going…

Stroke One – ah ah ah –

Stroke two – ah ah ah –

Stroke three – ah ah ah –

Stroke four – ah ah ah –

Stroke five ah – ah – ah –

Stroke six – ah ah ah –

Stroke five – I mean seven – ah ah ah –

Stoke eight ha ha ha –

Stroke nine – hoo hoo hoo –

Stroke ten – Come on you’re killin me”…

While guaranteed to bring home Ryder Cup XVI for Team EU, Snuffy’s maneuver will lead to TOWM inviting Smyth out one night to the Pork Raw bar to “thank him”.

Lets see — is that going number 1 ah, ah, ah — or — number 2 ah, ah, ah?….

16th – Snaaake Lawler

15th – The Stork Sterkel

14th – Amped "Mad Max" Hample

13th – Blue Tees "Woozy" Stanley

12th – Indy "Me and Dr. Jones" Klein

11th – Big Easy "Big D" Sommerfeld

10th – Sizzle "En Fuego" Byrn

9th – Demi "The Deuce" Dembeck

8th – Dance Man "The Yankinator" Charleston

7th – Gator "The G-Man" Kouremetis

And now….

15 to 1: The Lama “Cookie” Shirey: The Lama returns to WinterFest this year and promises to bring his trusty sidekick “Hi Ho Silver-Bullet”!! As most have you have seen – The Lama is in tip top form and ready to make a run at his 2^nd “Ying Yang” Jacket – have recently scored a hole-in-one in a practice session with Euro brethren Sizzle – and Yank Yank bad boys Snaaake Bubbles Lawler and Squirt Hample. While normally saving his hole-in-ones for competition, The Lama thought a practice hole-in-one was just the ticket as the two stunned Yank Yanks looked on in horror. The Lama is always one-step ahead as he made it look like he was struggling with his game – and Snaaake of course bought it… But The Lama has been very busy lately taking WinterFest “virtual” – which of course is how the Yank Yanks play their best golf. The effort – while outstanding – has left The Lama with a bit of tendonitis – which does not affect the golf swing – but does impact the hoisting of “Hi Ho Silver!!”. Unless The Lama can get this ailment licked – or at least chugged – his chances in WF XVIII are in doubt.

10 to 1: Bam-Bam “I’m In Your Kitchen Wearin Your Underwear” Bond, Gold Bond “Frank n’” Gentle Ben Stein: If ever WinterFest has seen a player that identifies with the term “odds” it is Bam-Bam Stein. This guy reminds me of the guy back in high school that you would carry down the hall to give his daily swirly. Talk, talk, talk, talk – he’s like those chattering teeth you buy in novelty stores – not the kind of novelty stores that Bam-Bam goes to mind you – but they can be found – and ah yes – somehow we find Bam-Bam back every spring, like a weed getting ready to take over you yard. Was Bam-Bam a good add to team Yank-Yank? Some say yes – some say no – most say why are you making me think about this guy? Word is that every since Ryder Cup XV.75 last fall where Bam-Bam took his trusty 45 handicap to his “home” course and spanked Team EUR – that Shamalamma Bam-Bam has been on the bad-boy list of Yank Yank Captain Bubbles Lawler – as Frank n’ has obviously served as a rallying cry to Team EUR as the prepare to pound on the Yanks Yanks in Ryder Cup XVI. Can Bam-Bam win WinterFest? Get serious. Can Bam-Bam affect the outcome of WinterFest XVIII – hell yes – and we’re still working on the vaccine…

16th – Snaaake Lawler

15th – The Stork Sterkel

14th – Amped "Mad Max" Hample

13th – Blue Tees "Woozy" Stanley

12th – Indy "Me and Dr. Jones" Klein

11th – Big Easy "Big D" Sommerfeld

10th – Sizzle "En Fuego" Byrn

9th – Demi "The Deuce" Dembeck

and now….

50 to 1: Dance Man “The Yankinator” Charleston: Your WinterFest XVII DEFENDING CHAMPION, Dance Man is one of the most consistent players WinterFest has ever seen. When a Yank Yank hears he has an upcoming match with the D-Man, he begins to sweat and shake all over – not unlike the condition Yank Yanks get into after a visit to the House of Pork Raw Bar (right TOWM?). The Dance Man – much like perennial WinterFest favorite James Bond – has been knockin at that Championship door for several years now… and well – those doors have swung open and the Dance Man has tapped his way into WinterFest history!!!

That kind of reminds me of the anecdote that Dance Man has been telling all winter while on the 100-City Speaking tour all WinterFest Champions make after winning “The Big One”. The interesting thing about this anecdote? – It has a Yank Yank twist to it – just to show that we do not exclude our Yank Yank competitors after we stomp on them….

Well the anecdote goes something like this:

3 Yank Yank WinterFest LXVIII golfers die and are at the Pearly Gates waiting to get in when St Peter (Mythda or Legend?) appears… St Peter of course reminds the Yank Yanks that no one gets into heaven, without first correctly answering one of St Peters questions.

The first Yank Yank up is Pope Cisco the Kid OTIFH (my man)… and St Peter says, “Pope – I have to admit you have led an extremely pure life while on earth with all the prayer meetings and fish bakes held to raise cash for the church – so your question will be an easy one – Who was the first man on Earth?” “That’s easy”, says the Pope, “It was Adam!” — GATES SWING OPEN AND THE POPE WALKS IN…

Next up — Mad Max “Amped” TOWM “Squirt” Hample…. Known as the bad boy of Team Yank Yank, St Peter stares Amped down for a minute or two…. “You stickin with that 22 handicap in Round 1 Amped?”, says St Peter. “Yes sir”, responds a timid Amped. “Just checking”, says St Peter. “And the USGA knows about this?”, St Pete continues…. “Yes Sir”, whispers a barely audible Mad Max…. “Well because of things like that, your question is going to be a little harder…. Who is Pope’s best-est golfing buddy?” asks St Pete. Amped gets a panic stricken look on his face… but then seems to calm down, and says, “Snaaake Lawler?????” — GATES SWING OPEN AND AMPED WALKS IN…

Finally, St Peter turns to a visibly shaken Snaaake “Bubbles” Lawler. “You Snaaake have led a very controversial life. You have been under constant surveillance by the USGA, your handicap is more than suspect, you dance in a strip club – and you three putt – often times WITHOUT raking the trap after your 2^nd Putt!!! Therefore – your question is going to be extremely difficult – and I would not be surprised if you spend the next 100 years out here on the practice putting green waiting for your tee time in heaven!!!”

“And here’s your question young (?) master Snaaake – and it is a doozy. What is the last thing heard each night as Team Yank Yank goes to bed in their group dormitory-style shared bed?”

Snaaake is in fact now truly panic stricken – he begins to shake and dry heave – he clutches his putter – but that does nothing for him – finally – he chokes out, “MY THAT’S A HARD ONE” — GATES SWING OPEN AND SNAAAKE WALKS IN…

25 to 1: The Gator “The G-Man” Kouremetis: Once again the Gator comes into WinterFest well rested – and with a National Title in hand. But the Gator knows the only “Real” title is that of WinterFest XVIII – or Ryder Cup XVI Champion!! The Gator has prepped for this baby BIG time – he’s jacked up the engine in his golf cart – he’s upped the UV rating on his sun block – and he has played everyday since WinterFest XVII. He’s a lean – mean – Scaled-Back – HOSTILE – MOBILE – REPTILE Machine!!! He now eats Pelican’s for breakfast – lunch – and as an appetizer for dinner!!! He’s watched all Snaaake’s videos on how to throw the ball out of hazards when people aren’t watching – I mean he’s ready man!!! The only problem – Gator is headed for a Buckeye Revival – where the Gator will be inundated with requests to sing “Hang on Sloopy” and become the New Neutron Man!!! While exciting – the “revelations” will cost The Gator WinterFest XVIII as he misses a tee time while getting face-painted with Buckeye Leaves and having Terrell Pryor autograph his posterior for posterity on Day 4…

Even though he’s a dirty Yank-Yank, Amped provides us all with some rare Yank wit, no doubt “borrowed” from somewhere in the ether, great read regardless.

# 10
Golfer   "Think I’m going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy  "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

#  9
Golfer   "I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy  "Try heaven, you’ve already moved most of the earth."

#  8
Golfer   "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy  "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

#  7
Golfer   "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy  "Eventually."

#  6
Golfer   "You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy  "I don’t think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

#  5
Golfer   "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It’s too much of
a distraction."
Caddy  "It’s not a watch – it’s a compass."

#  4
Golfer   "How do you like my game?"
Caddy  "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

#  3
Golfer   "Do you think it’s a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy  "The way you play, sir, it’s a sin on any day."

#  2
Golfer   "This is the worst course I’ve ever played on."
Caddy  "This isn’t the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

# 1 Best Caddy Comment
Golfer "That can’t be my ball, it’s too old,"
Caddy "It’s been a long time since we teed off, sir."