WinterFest Golf

FROM: ~~~SNAAAKE~~~ Captain of the Reigning Ryder Cup Champion TEAM USA USA USA!!!!!!!!!!!

  

SPECIAL EDITION FOR: Mr. Harry INDY Klein< o:p>

 

First of all, it gives me great pleasure to officially welcome you to Team USA. I am confident that you’ll have a great experience playing for Team USA, which as I’m sure Lama has told you, is the proud reigning champion of Ryder Cup XV. It wasn’t even close down in the swamplands of Florida……but more on that later. You have made a wise decision – I’m sure Lama made every attempt to convince you to join Team EUR, since many of their team members have open letters of resignation hoping for a chance to jump to Team USA. Their team has been plagued by weak leadership and poor putting, penalties for slow play and littering the course with empty mugs, lost Lamas and old Gators, late arrival for tee times and worst of all, an affinity for Blue Tees. You dodged a bullet, my friend INDY, you are safely in the company of quality friends and outstanding golfers. That will be apparent from the practice tee to the putting green – you will be protected from the risks of playing rounds with the motley crue that labors under the EUR banner.

 

Now, with the obligatory opening remarks behind us, let’s move on to things you need to know before arriving in Scottsdale for Winterfest XVIII aka Ryder Cup XVI.

 

MAJOR RULES OF WINTERFEST FOR NEW PARTICIPANTS:

 

1. Don’t20listen to Woozy. Nothing he says makes any sense and everything he says is intended as a distraction to the important business of Ryder Cup.

2. Don’t listen to Lama. If you think Woozy is confused…….well, we’re talking a whole new level of saying nothing. Furthermore, if he tries to whisper in your ear, maybe you should suggest to Woozy that the Lama needs a nap.

3. Don’t take putting lessons from Woozy…..not even “verbal” suggestions. We’re not talking Lama-verbal, we’re talking the four-putt-rake-the-trap-never-up-never-in crap that Woozy spews constantly from about mid-March to mid-May. Ignore him, we all know he needs help and we’ve all tried – he’s un-trainable.

4. Beware of 9 CMyths & Legends” – these usually come from a SPAM site in eastern Russia, rarely make sense and NEVER contain any important information, much less an ounce of truth.

5. Unless you can play golf in a COMPLETE state of exhaustion, DO NOT ROOM WITH LAMA OR WOOZY. The Room Czar will attempt to ensure that Wooz and Lama co-habitat as usual, but do not fall for any “please help me stay straight” routines from these two. You’ll regret it for life and you may never sleep soundly again.

 

IMPORTANT RULES OF WINTERFEST:

 

1. Attend all Prayer Meetings and Fish Frys hosted by Pope Cisco. These spiritual events are intended to appease the Golf Gods in compensation for the numerous (perhaps continuous) sins of Team EUR. With The Lama back in the pasture, extra Cisco-Sessions will be available for new members.

2. Not all EURO’s are “bad” – the real EURO’s are Woozy, Dance Man, Snuffy, Bond and of course, the consummate EURO, The Lama. In past years, Team USA has recruited poor souls to fill out Team EUR, forcing the likes of Gator, Sizzle and Jackal to join Team EUR just to provide an even number of players. All 3 have made numerous requests to “switch” to TEAM USA in hopes of better shirts and a victory celebration at Aunt Martha’s house after church.

3. Rumors persist of a hole-in-one by Bond at Tobacco Road in Pinehurst. There were no witnesses and some actually insist that Bond James Bond actually mailed it in…..as he frequently does when he can’t “make it to the church on time” for Sunday rounds.

4. Never stand nearer the hole than Woozy when he is hitting – not even an inch closer. There are numerous reports of injuries to members of his foursomes because his swing defies all natural laws. Keep Woozy, at least 2 golf carts and a pair of safety glasses between you and the hole when it’s his turn. This is also true for putts.

5. Never….and we’re talking NEVER……accept a drink or a girl from Lama. Both are almost certainly tainted.

6. Count Lama’s clubs – if a 15^th club is located, take off the top, empty the contents on the ground and report the violation to the Handicap Committee Chairman (~Snake~) who will deal with the violation appropriately.

 

MINOR RULES OF WINTERFEST:

 

1. Pope Cisco is the source of all wisdom – especially as it relates to the actual game of golf, fish and Lama’s transgressions

2. The best way to upset Gator is to hum a few bars of “Hang on Sloopy” and talk about20how Ohio State constantly beats up on the Gators

3. Beware of Snuffy’s math skills – and memory – he single-handedly pulled victory from the jaws of defeat for TEAM EUR at Pinehurst, their last victory, in 1754

4. Handicap updates can only come from an official Handicap Committee Member. That would be ~Snake~ after consultation with Bond, James Bond. Nobody trusts Bond so ~Snake’s~ ruling is always final.

5. Do not let Bam-Bam in your kitchen – or anything that resembles a kitchen. 

 

There is obviously much more you will learn about how to be successful at Winterfest and in Ryder Cup play. The best advice for the next few weeks is to avoid all contact with Lama and return any putting videos to Woozy unopened. If you are in doubt, seek spiritual guidance from Pope Cisco’s “Prayer for Newbies” video. One last matter to clear up now is your starting handicap………………..the committee has ruled below:

 

HANDICAP DECISIONS:

 

Let’s set the record straight regarding INDY’s handicap: The Lie-in Lama has made his usual attempts to tilt the pasture in favor of Team EUR by falsely reporting mythical scores for the Honorable INDY. Lama always has a backup plan in case his 15^th, 16^th and 17 ^th clubs run dry. It’s a little known fact outside of INDY’s immediate family but his given name is “Michael” – named after a spiritual being – and his actual handicap is shown below. As you can see, my hoofed friend, there’s no way our new TEAM USA USA USA member could possibly shoot in the 70’s as you reported in your introductory remarks. In fact, looking at his most recent 20 scores on the putt-putt-putt-putt course where he ply’s his trade not involving Lama’s Ladies, his scores range from 84 to 101.

 

COLORADO GOLF ASSOCIATION

THE LINKS GOLF CLUB

KLEIN MICHAEL

USGA HANDICAP INDEX: 26.0

EFFECTIVE DATE: 02/15/2009

 

The Handicap Committee has ruled that INDY’s initial handicap for Winterfest XVIII will be 32, compensating for course difficulty. This decision has been blessed by Pope Cisco. It is spoken.

 

CLOSING REMARKS:

 

You will receive many unofficial communications regarding Winterfest – and especially about Ryder Cup. Team EUR dreams big, especially in early April. As the first tee time and the announcement of pairings draws closer, the vocal spokesmen (Woozy, Lama and occasionally En Fuego) of Team EUR grow bold. Have no fear – false bravery is an annual event with these characters. With Lama back in the pasture this year, they will be emboldened…..but they will not putt any better. Official prognostications – or as they are affectionately known – THE OFFICIAL ODDS OF WINTERFEST XVIII – will be forthcoming in April.

 

Once again – Welcome Indy, proud new member of TEAM USA! USA! USA!

 

Your humble captain……….

 

~~~Snaaake~~~