WinterFest Golf

16th – Snaaake Lawler

15th – The Stork Sterkel

14th – Amped "Mad Max" Hample

13th – Blue Tees "Woozy" Stanley

12th – Indy "Me and Dr. Jones" Klein

11th – Big Easy "Big D" Sommerfeld

and now….

500 to 1: Sizzle “En Fuego” Byrn: Sizzle made a helluva run in WinterFest XVII, coming up just 2 strokes away from a tie with Dance Man. Word has it that Sizzle continues to “smoke” the competition, and that the 38 handicap is all wrong. As always the complaints about Sizzle’s handicap come from Bad Boy TOWM Hample, a known violator of USGA handicapping rules. Amped aka Porker – has been on Sizzle’s case for a month now, claiming his handicap is way too high. The only problem? – Amped and known dark-side associate Bubbles Lawler recently took Sizzle and The Lama to the golfing-wood-shed and administered a brutal handicapped-aided beating on Siz and Laamma. While clearly wrong and under protest, the combination of the WF XVII heart-breaker and USGA Handicap Rule-breaker beating at the hands of Snaaake and Mad Max will be a constant drain on the considerable golfing skills of Sizzle, and we fear he won’t be able to shake the ill effects of these two notorious Yank Yanks and their “bags of tricks”.

100 to 1: Demi “The Deuce” Scatback Dembeck: Who knows what Scatback will do in any given round – or any given hole for that matter?? Some say his name “Deuce” comes from his ability to “at will” shoot a Net Eagle on Par 4’s to take skins – and Woozy – but that’s just a Myth – we hope. Clearly Scatback has the power to reach any green – or backyard within two blocks of the golf course – in TWO. The question is what day are you catching The Deuce on? If he’s playing Woozy – it’s a bad day – if it’s The Yankinator – it’s just another day…. Can Scatback win it all? Heck yes!! Will he win it all? Heck no!!! Afterall The Stork Sterkel returns this year, and The Deuce and The Stork went toe-to-toe as The Stork tried unsuccessfully to petition Team EUR for a slot (appropriately enough in Vegas) on the Euro squad – replacing Pitter Patterson who was passed out on the black jack tables on Day 3… So there’s bad blood there boys, and it’s unlikely Demi will be in much of a mood to unleash a “Deuce” (hmmmm?) – much less break into to classic “Scat” as he battles with The Stork.

Snaaake Lawler – last

The Stork Sterkel- 15th

Amped "Mad Max" Hample – 14th

Blue Tees "Woozy" Stanley – 13th   and now…

3,000 to 1: Re “Indy” “Me and Mrs Jones” Klein: — A rookie this year for Winter Fest XVIII. Need we say more? Of course we will. Indy is supposed to be “the answer” for Team Yank Yank as they have never had an answer for Team EUR – and most particularly The Lama. So here we go with the “Trojan Horse” scenario of Team Yank Yank. Snaaake calls up The Lama and says, “Lama, I know how stressed you are these days (most of the stress has to do with getting calls from The Snaaake by the way), and I want you to invite your friend so you can relax – kick back – have a beverage or two (two?) – and share some laughs with this good friend. Who would you like to bring along Lama?” So the Lama says, “Indy, he’s a good guy, he’ll be fun and we’ll have a great time at night with one another”. So the Snaaake says, “Done!! Indy is in!!!”. But what we didn’t know was at that same time an elite (?) squad of Yank Yank Rangers (led by Mythda McGiiiiiccccc we hear…) was kidnapping Indy, taking him to the secret Yank Yank “Lair”, where they began a series of brainwashing treatments designed to “convert” Indy to Yankism. Weeks and months of sing-along’s (It’s a Small World after all and such) and the Yank Yanks had what they wanted – a mere shell of the former Indy. So while Indy talks the Yank Yank talk (asking directions to the next prayer meeting), and he walks the Yank Yank walk (he did join AARP’s Square Dancing Club), they forgot that bottom line if you’re going to mess with The Lama and Team Euro, it ultimately comes down to “having game” – and there all they had were some old Snaaake videos for Indy to review… Too bad …. We liked Indy and we thought he’d be a factor…. But nope – Snaaake-Eyed ….

1,000 to 1: The Big Easy – The Big D – Sommerfeld : — Big E is a 2-time WinterFest Champion and can work a handicap as well as anyone – you know this when he wins on 16 – and then goes triple / triple on 17 and 18 – shooting Net 70 – and somehow convincing the handicap to give him another stroke or two. This year Big E comes in with a 17 handicap which should be criminal (we’re checking). My guess is no one will catch Big E looking into a mirror during the week. The other thing The Big “D” lives by is keep your friends close (naturally he’s a Yank Yank) – but keep your enemies closer. Sure enough Big Easy is out every night with Team EUR, constantly asking if he can use our combs (why?), and wear our team shirts. If the Pope only knew that Easy was sneaking out every night man would he be in trouble – I could easily see the Pope making Big Easy say 20 “Hail Mulligans” if he were to ever find out. So can Big Easy become the first ever three time winner of WinterFest?? The answer goes something like this…. Hell no!!! Parting the Red Sea and Big Easy’s hair are far far easier to do than Big Easy winning WinterFest XVIII. And no Easy, you can’t wear my shirt.

25,000 to 1:  Amped “Mad Max” “TOWM” Hample:  Bad Boy TOWM Hample…  What can you say about this guy that you haven’t already seen on a rest room wall?  Not much but we keep trying…  You all know he’s the undisputed “bad boy” of Team Yanker, and the USGA wants a piece of this guy’s handicap too.  Down to a 4 now, it’s clear that “Squirt” (as his teammates lovingly call him) is hungry for his 2^nd WinterFest jacket – and the fact that he has any appetite at all after WF XV is amazing– after The Porker downed 50 slightly under-cooked pork chops in an hour to win that now famous bet with “The Boss” BIG Snaaake Lawler, when later The Snaaake uttered the now famous line, “TOWM, what is your spew doin in my hole?”  Disturbing I know – but hey – that’s Team Yank Yank.  This is like watching the slowest train wreck in history – it just never comes to a complete stop – although we often hear Team Yank Yank members saying to one another, “You complete me”.  Again disturbing.  Anyway despite all those distractions, it’s clear that TOWM is pretty close to the best Team USA has – and well that kind of tells you how Ryder Cup XVI is going to go.  Look for Amped to be benched on Day 3 of the tournament as he refuses to go to the nightly prayer meeting being held at Quaker Pork and Lube fearing a “re-peat” of past “troubles”. 

5,000 to 1:  Blue Tees “Woozy” Stanley: –  Blue Tees has game – no question.  At the same time Blue Tees is too often the target of Team Yank Yank barbs intended to throw Team EUR off the mission of Ryder Cup XVI – “To Pummel Team Yank Yank”.  Given the mission, Woozy has been heavily involved in preparing complete background checks on Team USA team members to find their weakness – so that took a day.  Then Woozy decided to take some cooking lessons as Bam-Bam insists on spending time in Woozy’s kitchen – that killed another half hour.  Then Woozy put together “The Deuce” Scatback’s greatest Scats album – that took no time at all.  Finally, Woozy thought he would prepare a video where he analyzes The Snaaake’s golf swing – turns out that is going to take months of analysis – and therapy.  And while Woozy’s game is solid as ever, we’re concerned the therapy sessions will ultimately conflict with tournament tee times as the therapy is really needed after watching those videos.

As Vegas has done every year since the inception of WinterFest, The ODDS of Winning WinterFest have been posted….

This year we’ll reveal them a little slower — meaning we’ll be going from the VERY worst odds of winning to the VERY "BEST ODDS of WINNING WF XVIII" — 2 Competitors at a time…. And here are your first two entrants into WinterFest XVIII — obviously not expected to do much….

April 8, 2009

WinterFest XVIII

How Vegas Sees It – Official Odds of Winning WF XVIII

999,998 to 1: Snaaake Bubbles “Out” Lawler: – Proudly completing his own version of a 2-peat in WF XVII (meaning finishing 3^rd – again), Snaaake has trained hard this winter perfecting his “game”. Just ask him if he thinks he can do better in WF XVIII and the Snaaake is quick with the comeback “I’m Game!!” Unfortunately this is where the “game” of Snaaakie Pooh comes to an end, as he continues to struggle with “The 3 Things” putting tips that Woozy provided Snaaake with “3” years ago. And now he’s stuck finishing in “3^rd” year after year after year. Snaaake’s solution to the rut he finds himself in?? A three-some?? A three-way?? A third consecutive third place finish?? Forming a 3rd-party to see if he can get voted in as WinterFest XVIII Champion?? Joining “AAA” to give himself piece of mind after “AA” told him to get lost until he joins Team EUR?? Nope – none of those things… Seems Snaaake has adopted a new mantra for WF XVIII – and it is – you guessed it –"3^rd time is a charm"… If I didn’t know The Snaaake better I’d swear he’s “3 sheets to the wind” for thinking he’ll ever win WinterFest…

40,000 to 1: Stu “The Stork” Sterkel: The Stork is most famous as he was the first of now many Yank Yanks to petition Tournament Central during Ryder Cup XIII to join Team EUR. Almost the stuff of Myths and / or Legends as we look back on it now, but the petition sent shock waves through Team Yank Yank such that Ryder Cup XIII proved to be an easy victory for Team EUR and an even easier WinterFest XV win for Team EUR Legend Cookie “The Lama” Shirey and his trusty sidekick “High Ho (who you callin Ho?) Silver” Bullet. Rumor has it that Team Yank Yank has never quite gotten over the turmoil started by The Stork, and is even more concerned that annually they have to call in Pope Cisco The Kid OTIFH (my man) to “exercise” the Euro demons (as they call them) out of the two or three Yanks that attempt to go over the wall. We’re quite certain that Stew will be dealing with nightly “paddling-in prayer compliance ceremonies” conducted by The Pope to drive the Euro demons from The Stork. With all that fun going on in Camp Yanker, we’re certain that The Stork will be way too distracted to take WinterFest XVIII – and can’t you just hear The Stork saying, “Thank you Pope!! – May I have another?!” There you have it gents (and Yank Yanks) — The Odds have officially started….

Snaaake "Bubbles" Lawler — Much has been said and written about this man that some consider to be the unofficial Team Captain of Team USA.  While most of it is true and troubling, the one thing that no one has been able to confirm or deny, is the origin of Snaaake’s middle name "Bubbles".

Many know that Bubbles, after the devastating loss — and the scoring scandal – of Ryder Cup XIV in Pinehurst, North Carolina, disappeared — only to turn up months later as an exotic dancer at The Pink Pony in Pinehurst.

Others know that Snaaake tried unsuccessfully to enter the "3 Steps" Program, trying to end a self-destructive pattern of putting — and putting — and putting — and then raking.  But unfortunately the program was unsuccessful, as the Snaaake continues to be seen in public with a specially outfitted rake flask which the Snaaake believes conceals his potentially lethal ailment.

But "Bubbles" — what does it mean?  Does it refer to Snaaakes amicable personality?

Or is it his willingness to share putting tips to anyone — and I mean anyone – that will listen?

Or does it refer to his rare yet strange disease — that has led United States health agencies to recommend placing the country’s entire general population in a "bubble" leaving Snaaake and his unique genes on the outside looking in?

Or like most Yank Yanks does Bubbles simply prefer a slightly feminine sounding moniker?

What is it?  Why does Snaaake prefer to be known as Bubbles Lawler?

There are those who have suggested that Bubbles actually comes from Team Yank Yank "bath night" — when like most other things — Team Yank Yank gets together for a Team Building "Exercise" — in this case a Team Bath Night.

Could it be that Snaaake’s nickname Bubbles is simply a "by-product" of Team Yank Yank Bath Night???

Myth or Legend?

Legend!!!!

Yes indeed Bubbles does get his nickname from Team Yank Yank BathNight as The Snaaake likes to "get a rise" out of his fellow Yanks by passing gas in the Team Bath!!!

Incidentally the Team Opted to go with "Bubbles" in lieu of "Oh My God – Who Cut the Cheese!!" as it was shorter and much easier for Team members to remember and spell. 

FROM: ~~~SNAAAKE~~~ Captain of the Reigning Ryder Cup Champion TEAM USA USA USA!!!!!!!!!!!

SPECIAL EDITION FOR: Mr. Harry INDY Klein< o:p>

First of all, it gives me great pleasure to officially welcome you to Team USA. I am confident that you’ll have a great experience playing for Team USA, which as I’m sure Lama has told you, is the proud reigning champion of Ryder Cup XV. It wasn’t even close down in the swamplands of Florida……but more on that later. You have made a wise decision – I’m sure Lama made every attempt to convince you to join Team EUR, since many of their team members have open letters of resignation hoping for a chance to jump to Team USA. Their team has been plagued by weak leadership and poor putting, penalties for slow play and littering the course with empty mugs, lost Lamas and old Gators, late arrival for tee times and worst of all, an affinity for Blue Tees. You dodged a bullet, my friend INDY, you are safely in the company of quality friends and outstanding golfers. That will be apparent from the practice tee to the putting green – you will be protected from the risks of playing rounds with the motley crue that labors under the EUR banner.

Now, with the obligatory opening remarks behind us, let’s move on to things you need to know before arriving in Scottsdale for Winterfest XVIII aka Ryder Cup XVI.

MAJOR RULES OF WINTERFEST FOR NEW PARTICIPANTS:

1. Don’t20listen to Woozy. Nothing he says makes any sense and everything he says is intended as a distraction to the important business of Ryder Cup.

2. Don’t listen to Lama. If you think Woozy is confused…….well, we’re talking a whole new level of saying nothing. Furthermore, if he tries to whisper in your ear, maybe you should suggest to Woozy that the Lama needs a nap.

3. Don’t take putting lessons from Woozy…..not even “verbal” suggestions. We’re not talking Lama-verbal, we’re talking the four-putt-rake-the-trap-never-up-never-in crap that Woozy spews constantly from about mid-March to mid-May. Ignore him, we all know he needs help and we’ve all tried – he’s un-trainable.

4. Beware of 9 CMyths & Legends” – these usually come from a SPAM site in eastern Russia, rarely make sense and NEVER contain any important information, much less an ounce of truth.

5. Unless you can play golf in a COMPLETE state of exhaustion, DO NOT ROOM WITH LAMA OR WOOZY. The Room Czar will attempt to ensure that Wooz and Lama co-habitat as usual, but do not fall for any “please help me stay straight” routines from these two. You’ll regret it for life and you may never sleep soundly again.

IMPORTANT RULES OF WINTERFEST:

1. Attend all Prayer Meetings and Fish Frys hosted by Pope Cisco. These spiritual events are intended to appease the Golf Gods in compensation for the numerous (perhaps continuous) sins of Team EUR. With The Lama back in the pasture, extra Cisco-Sessions will be available for new members.

2. Not all EURO’s are “bad” – the real EURO’s are Woozy, Dance Man, Snuffy, Bond and of course, the consummate EURO, The Lama. In past years, Team USA has recruited poor souls to fill out Team EUR, forcing the likes of Gator, Sizzle and Jackal to join Team EUR just to provide an even number of players. All 3 have made numerous requests to “switch” to TEAM USA in hopes of better shirts and a victory celebration at Aunt Martha’s house after church.

3. Rumors persist of a hole-in-one by Bond at Tobacco Road in Pinehurst. There were no witnesses and some actually insist that Bond James Bond actually mailed it in…..as he frequently does when he can’t “make it to the church on time” for Sunday rounds.

4. Never stand nearer the hole than Woozy when he is hitting – not even an inch closer. There are numerous reports of injuries to members of his foursomes because his swing defies all natural laws. Keep Woozy, at least 2 golf carts and a pair of safety glasses between you and the hole when it’s his turn. This is also true for putts.

5. Never….and we’re talking NEVER……accept a drink or a girl from Lama. Both are almost certainly tainted.

6. Count Lama’s clubs – if a 15^th club is located, take off the top, empty the contents on the ground and report the violation to the Handicap Committee Chairman (~Snake~) who will deal with the violation appropriately.

MINOR RULES OF WINTERFEST:

1. Pope Cisco is the source of all wisdom – especially as it relates to the actual game of golf, fish and Lama’s transgressions

2. The best way to upset Gator is to hum a few bars of “Hang on Sloopy” and talk about20how Ohio State constantly beats up on the Gators

3. Beware of Snuffy’s math skills – and memory – he single-handedly pulled victory from the jaws of defeat for TEAM EUR at Pinehurst, their last victory, in 1754

4. Handicap updates can only come from an official Handicap Committee Member. That would be ~Snake~ after consultation with Bond, James Bond. Nobody trusts Bond so ~Snake’s~ ruling is always final.

5. Do not let Bam-Bam in your kitchen – or anything that resembles a kitchen. 

There is obviously much more you will learn about how to be successful at Winterfest and in Ryder Cup play. The best advice for the next few weeks is to avoid all contact with Lama and return any putting videos to Woozy unopened. If you are in doubt, seek spiritual guidance from Pope Cisco’s “Prayer for Newbies” video. One last matter to clear up now is your starting handicap………………..the committee has ruled below:

HANDICAP DECISIONS:

Let’s set the record straight regarding INDY’s handicap: The Lie-in Lama has made his usual attempts to tilt the pasture in favor of Team EUR by falsely reporting mythical scores for the Honorable INDY. Lama always has a backup plan in case his 15^th, 16^th and 17 ^th clubs run dry. It’s a little known fact outside of INDY’s immediate family but his given name is “Michael” – named after a spiritual being – and his actual handicap is shown below. As you can see, my hoofed friend, there’s no way our new TEAM USA USA USA member could possibly shoot in the 70’s as you reported in your introductory remarks. In fact, looking at his most recent 20 scores on the putt-putt-putt-putt course where he ply’s his trade not involving Lama’s Ladies, his scores range from 84 to 101.

COLORADO GOLF ASSOCIATION

THE LINKS GOLF CLUB

KLEIN MICHAEL

USGA HANDICAP INDEX: 26.0

EFFECTIVE DATE: 02/15/2009

The Handicap Committee has ruled that INDY’s initial handicap for Winterfest XVIII will be 32, compensating for course difficulty. This decision has been blessed by Pope Cisco. It is spoken.

CLOSING REMARKS:

You will receive many unofficial communications regarding Winterfest – and especially about Ryder Cup. Team EUR dreams big, especially in early April. As the first tee time and the announcement of pairings draws closer, the vocal spokesmen (Woozy, Lama and occasionally En Fuego) of Team EUR grow bold. Have no fear – false bravery is an annual event with these characters. With Lama back in the pasture this year, they will be emboldened…..but they will not putt any better. Official prognostications – or as they are affectionately known – THE OFFICIAL ODDS OF WINTERFEST XVIII – will be forthcoming in April.

Once again – Welcome Indy, proud new member of TEAM USA! USA! USA!

Your humble captain……….

~~~Snaaake~~~

Scatback Demi Deuce Dembeck has long been a mysterious and dark force in WinterFest and of course is a part of Team Yank Yank.

No one really knows much about “The Deuce” — and some say that it is because of a reputed lengthy career making pornographic films.

In particular the name “Scatback” is rumored to be associated with a specific style of film that “The Deuce” was reputed to prefer filming. Think about it – “Scat” – and “The Deuce” – don’t these two names seem somehow linked?

The mystery has never been resolved to this day and Scatback of course has “no comment” when asked….

Myth or Legend?:   Can it be that Scatback Demi “The Deuce” “Demi” Dembeck is in fact former porn star Harry Reams….???

Answer:  MYTH !!!!

The thought of any Yank Yank being the star of pornographic films is simply impossible!!! 

Actually “Scatback” comes from the fact that The Deuce loves to sing “Scat” style songs and often stays up late (by Yank Yank standards – meaning until 7 PM) entertaining his teammates with Louis Armstrong impressions….

Great fun I’m sure (man does this Team Yank Yank need help).

And "The Deuce"?  Well anyone who knows Bad Boy Mad Max TOWM Amped Hample knows Team Yank Yank struggles with bodily functions — especially when Team EUR is after them in the Ryder Cup!!!  The Deuce is sadly no different than Porker Hample… and occasionally "lets go".

Myth or Legend: During WinterFest XVI – Sizzle "En Fuego" is rumored to have decided he wanted to challenge Amped "TOWM" The Earl of Hurl "Ralph" "Spewh" Hample for the all-time nickname title in WinterFest

Answer: Legend!

Accordingly Sizzle felt his odds of increasing his nickname tally would improve if he "networked" with the larger Pinehurst community

And so today Sizzle En Fuego is known as Sizzle "En Fuego" "Slappy" "Spanky" "Bruiser" Byrn

Myth or Legend: Bond, James Bond became WinterFest XVI Champion by recording the first hole-in-one in WinterFest history in route to a final round 76/63 – overtaking Amped "TOWM" Hample who was attempting to repeat as WinterFest Champion. Myth or Legend?

Already looking forward to kicking Snaaake’s but in WinterFest XVII – IN JACKSONVILLE??? – HOME OF 2 TPC courses – lots of water oh boy

WinterFest Myths and Legends – Part XX — The Prequel

To clarify further — the Snake and the Pope’s dabbling with Woozy-Ball — it is a MYTH (you can ask Mister if you want) that the Snake and the Pope had resorted to Long Putters — that would be illegal under  the USPGA rules.

And the ranger passed out in the drop area — and rolled only 1 club length — again — all legal within Winterfest Rules.

Myth or Legend: Considered the greatest comeback in Ryder Cup history EUR scored 12 unanswered points in Ryder Cup XIV on day 4 to come from a 27 – 21 day 3 deficit to win Ryder Cup XIV in dramatic and record breaking fashion!!!!

USA Captain Snaaaakie "Out" Lawler was immediately dismissed as team Captain.  Rumor has Snaaakie found happiness though, becoming an exotic dancer at Pure Gold in Pinehurst, and is available for private parties. 330-555-SNAK